


Taking Back The Kiss Of Judas

by einsKai



Category: IDOLiSH7 (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Breaking Up & Making Up, Don't try this at home kids, Fake Marriage, Gaku is very confused, GakuTenn Jesus Kai breaking the bread once again, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Lots of Secrets, Love Confessions, M/M, Married Couple, Others Mentioned - Freeform, Poetry, Secret Identity, Secret Messages, aka Riku is mentioned, and feels betrayed, big question mark, but nothing graphic i promise, mandarin translation available, mentioned blood and injury, my own shitty poetry don't expect too much, nobody dies either, not that i've seen many of these, this actually reads like a b-rate romance movie don't hate me, well maybe someone dies offscreen but that's a secret too, written for 898 week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 19:01:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20680361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/einsKai/pseuds/einsKai
Summary: "What?""Have you really been holding the hand of someone who doesn't even love you? Have kissed him, held him, slept in the same bed with him?"This had to be a nightmare... right?





	Taking Back The Kiss Of Judas

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Please stay safe and take care of yourself and don't get back together with someone who seriously hurt you and/or lied to you. This is fanfiction so it works, but I can guarantee you that it will not in 99.99999999999% of real life cases. 
> 
> Other than that, have this monster of a fic. It was fun making it up, even though once again I probably put too much effort in crafting the world. I was about to outline the specifics of that company before noticing that I really don't need that for the fic.
> 
> I hope you have fun reading anyway! Support the [GakuTenn Week](https://twitter.com/898week) on twitter!
> 
> -Kai
> 
> update from the 17th august 2020: there is now a [translation into mandarin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25951558) of Taking Back The Kiss Of Judas by [Aaainam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aaainam/pseuds/Aaainam)! please go support the work if you can :D

Gaku woke up. At first, he was disoriented, didn't know where he was. It was his bedroom, he realised after a few seconds. Tenn wasn't with him, which wouldn't have been unusual, he did get up earlier than him, but it was dark outside – the cold light of the streetlamp the only source of illumination. Tenn should be sleeping at this hour.

He tried reaching for his husband's side of the bed to check if the fabric of the covers was still warm, and if Tenn had just gone temporarily and if he could join him in a midnight drink, or bath, or just cuddle on the couch in case he couldn't sleep.

He couldn't move his hand.

Zip ties were firmly attaching his hand to the headboard of the bed. Gaku's heart began beating harder, more painful that it should.

What was going on?

"I see you have woken up", a figure said. They had blended into the shadows of the bedroom, melted into the background so that he hadn't noticed. The shock of hearing the voice suddenly made him jump.

"I don't think I need to explain why I'm here", the figure said. "You're well aware of the danger of this truly heart-wrenching ruse, aren't you?"

Gaku had no fucking idea what this was about. He didn't know why the figure was here. He didn't know what they meant with "ruse", and he sure as hell didn't know why he was in this situation. It must be a nightmare, he concluded.

"You seem surprised", the figure said. "Don't tell me you didn't know about this? That your dear 'husband', if you actually want to call him that, is actually working for the secret organisation your father's company is the cover-up for? And you, the cover-up heir to the cover-up company, became a perfect tool to be a cover-up husband for their best agent? Did they really think you too unreliable to tell you?"

Gaku regained his ability to speak. Not being able to speak was just regular nightmare practise – so this was definitely just a dream. But that didn’t mean that he shouldn’t talk to that person.

"What?", he crooked.

"Have you really been holding the hand of someone who doesn't even love you? Have kissed him, held him, slept in the same bed with him?"

He figured that since this was a dream and he’d wake up soon enough he might as well shoot back with the best thing he could come up with on the spot.

“Tenn loves me. We’ve been married for five years. I’ve known him since he was in high-school. He came to borrow books at my part-time job at the library. At the time I was twenty-two and my father wanted me to get married, but we hit it off and even though we argued a lot we stayed together and got married three years later. So I’m _pretty_ sure that _I_ know _my own husband_ who has been _in love with me_ for eight years better than you, _mysterious man who broke into my house and tied me to my bed_. You aren’t even attractive enough for this to be a wet dream or someone sent to spice up our sex life or something like that. So this has to be a nightmare. When does the floor open so I fall to my death?”

Black steel blinked in the light of the streetlamp.  
A noise that Gaku only knew from movies but identified as the cocking of a gun sounded in his ear.

This was new. Gaku had never had a dream like this.

With movement so swift that Gaku’s tired eyes had trouble keeping up the man had moved to his side and pressed the barrel to Gaku’s temple.  
The cool metal felt dangerous and experienced. Hungry. Like it had been well used and wouldn’t hesitate to be used again.

Now the man was blocking the light, so Gaku couldn’t see anything anymore, until a little screen that was far too bright for the room lit up. The man moved closer to Gaku. Unsettlingly he smelled like nothing. Weird for a dream, Gaku thought, that he even noticed something like this.

“So your father wanted you to get married, but you chose someone who wasn’t one of his recommended candidates? Someone you met _by chance_?”, the man hissed. It wasn’t really a question. “Then look at this video.”

Gaku turned his attention to the screen. It showed a younger version of his husband and his father. They were talking in his father’s office.

The man turned the volume up.

“…_works at the library_”, his father said.

“_Alright, I will pursue him_”, Tenn said. His voice was calm, even calculated. Professional, as if talking to a boss. “_Any advice on how to strike up a conversation, sir_?”

Gaku felt confusion pool in his heart like a sheen of oil on a puddle. Why was Tenn calling his father ‘sir’? He never did that, not even after starting to work in his father’s company.

The man seemed to notice his confusion. He huffed; satisfaction evident in the noise.

“_He is fond of romantic poetry, riddles, and the like_”, Gaku’s father in the video said.

“_…I will see what I can do, sir_.”

“_Let us hope this works, Agent Kujou. You’re in desperate need of a set identity. A relationship will help you. And you will be able to protect my son._”

“_I am aware of the purpose of this mission, sir. However…_”

“_If you have doubts because the target is my son, do not worry. He will not find out. Now go._”

Gaku just grew more and more confused by the minute. What even was this dream? Because… this had to be a dream, right? Right?! What was this ‘agent Kujou’ bullshit?

“Do you see now?”, his kidnapper was growing impatient, Gaku could tell. But that was his own fault for ambushing him in his sleep. It was the middle of the night! But since this was a dream that shouldn’t be a problem.

“Do I see what?”

“Your _own father_ used you as cover-up for a secret agent! He practically sold you out for his company! And your husband is that secret agent! You’re so lucky that you have our security camera videos from back then, and that we told you about this, so you don’t have to hear about the painful truth from Mister Kujou in person~ Now you can just come with us, quietly, and then we can use you as blackmail material to coax your father into –”

“I don’t think that makes much sense”, Gaku interrupted him. He didn’t really remember what he had for dinner before going to sleep, but it was really impacting his dreams. There hadn’t been drugs in there, had there?

“Listen”, the man said. “Initially we just wanted to wipe out this dumb agent husband of yours, because he’s close to finding our headquarters. But then we heard that he’s married! And we dug into it! And found this! The tragic story of Yaotome Gaku, a man who has been lied to his entire life by his father, who runs a private secret agent company behind closed doors, and who arranged a marriage with one of his agents with you, his son… who still believes that he’s actually _loved_, when he’s actually nothing more than a pawn in a game he doesn’t even know about.”

Slowly Gaku came to a conclusion. The plot of this dream was even more ridiculous than he had initially thought.

“So you came to kill me, like the pawn I am?”, he decided to play along for a bit.

“Pfft, didn’t you listen? You’re useless in the position you’re in right now. He doesn’t love you; he’s only protecting you for the sake of his boss. If we kill you it won’t hurt him. He’ll still pursue us.”

"Then what, abduct me, to change the game? With a simple pawn?”

“When the pawn reaches the opposite side of the board it will turn into a queen, didn’t you know? We’re taking you, thereby queening you. As blackmail material to pressure your father you’re far more valuable than as a house husband who does charity work.”

“I still don’t know what you’re getting at, I don’t even do charity work, and I’m not a house husband. Also I think Tenn loves me plenty –“

Bang!

A gunshot.

Hot, dull pain in his leg. He felt something hot and wet run down his leg, definitely staining his sweatpants and the covers.

He had been shot. He was bleeding. It _hurt_.

Gaku yelped, gasped for air, as the realisation dawned on him.

“…this isn’t a dream”, he said through gritted teeth. His knuckles gripping the headboard for support stood out starkly white against his already normally pale skin.

“How lovely that you finally noticed”, the man said, and Gaku could physically feel the dirty sarcasm drip onto his skin, burning like acid.

“…I’m going to bleed out”, the pain was fading already, probably because of the adrenaline, making Gaku’s heart beat high into his throat, a caged bird in danger. He weighed his options. The zip tie around his wrist didn’t yield, and the man still had a gun. There was no escape possible for him in this condition. “I need to get to a hospital, I –“

“It’ll be easier for us if you’re passed out”, the man said. “I did what I was asked to do… delivered a little anti-love letter. Will it be enough to destroy your relationship? Knowing that your husband has lied to you? Knowing that your husband doesn’t even love you? That you wasted eight years of your life like this? Maybe you’ll come with us out of your own free will.”

“Fuck… you”, Gaku managed to press out between his clenched teeth, trying to keep his breathing under control to deal with the pain.

“Gladly”, the man was starting to feel even more confident, now that Gaku was basically at his mercy. “Maybe I’ll be chosen as your husband’s next cover-up. I bet he’s a real good fake-lover in bed as we–“

The door banging open interrupted the taunting.

Light from the hallway streamed into the bedroom, his husband’s silhouette illuminated in the warm shine, contrasting his attacker’s in front of the cold streetlight.

Gaku breathed in relief. Tenn was here and he’d call the police and an ambulance.

“Tenn”, he said. “Tenn, dear, he has a gun, you need to –“

“The fake husband is here”, the man said, his voice dripping with poisonous delight. He pointed his gun at Tenn instead of Gaku. “Oh, boss is going to be ecstatic when I bring him Kujou Tenn’s head.”

“Who is your boss?”, Tenn asked.

His voice cut through the air like a blade of ice, forged from the frost of the coldest day in spring.

“As if I’m gonna tell you that”, the man said. He changed his voice to falsetto. “Aren’t you worried your dear husband is gonna bleed out? I shot him, you know?”

Tenn barely spared Gaku a glance. Never had Gaku seen him look at him so _coldly_.

A sigh.

“Well… this farce is over then”, Tenn said. “An ambulance will be here soon to help you. And I…”, he looked at the man with the gun, who had steadily been retreating to the window. “Will take on this guy.”

“Tenn, wha–“, Gaku couldn’t stay still anymore. “I don’t… understand…?”

“What’s there to understand, Yaotome Gaku? You heard it all, didn’t you? I used you. Poor soul, never noticed a thing. Boohoo.”

Gaku’s face must have looked like a question mark, but Tenn didn’t pay any attention to him anymore. Instead he pulled out a gun himself and shot. Gaku didn’t even know Tenn could do that. The window went to pieces as Gaku flinched, and the stranger in their bedroom retreated through it, arms covering his head as he destroyed the already shattered window completely. Before jumping off the windowsill, he attempted to land a shot at Tenn.

A picture frame on the wall burst, and Tenn jumped out after the guy, with a grace that Gaku only knew from when they danced.

The sound of sirens and the medic cutting the zip ties tying him to the bed were the last things he remembered before passing out.

_Gaku’s job at the library had been his idea._

_His father offered him an easy, high position in his company, but Gaku honestly didn’t care about the shipment, packaging and prices of bullet-proof glass, and didn’t want to coordinate that for a living.  
So he asked if the library could use someone. _

_Another advantage that wasn’t ‘being surrounded by books and people reading quietly’ was that in the library his father couldn’t control who was around him at work. He suspected that all the marriage dinners he had gone to and respectfully declined afterwards weren’t his father’s only attempts at getting him a partner._

_But Gaku didn’t _need_ one, and especially not someone he met for the purpose of getting married._

_That just wasn’t what he wanted out of life._

_He was a romantic, he wanted to meet his future partner on a walk at the beach, picking up shells in quiet togetherness until one of them finally spoke; falling in love while spontaneously dancing with someone to the tune of a street performer’s music; bumping into each other –_

_The books he had been trying to sort into the shelf cluttered to the floor as something collided with his side._

_With a _thump_ the person also fell to the floor, the book they had stuck their nose into falling to the floor too. It fell shut and Gaku recognised it as one of his favourite poem collections._

_Good taste._

_“Are you hurt?”, he asked and extended a hand to the person on the floor. Only now he really looked at him.  
Slender but strong frame in a _hideous_ elephant-pink woollen pullover, light hair and the fingers of a pianist, as they accepted his hand. It felt good, Gaku thought, as he pulled the other up, as if their hands belonged to each other._

_“No, I’m alright, I think”, his voice was beautiful as well. “Thank you very much.”_

_“No need to be so formal”, Gaku said. “It happens.”_

_He crouched down to gather the books in his arms. He held the poetry collection out to the other._

_“This is one of my favourites”, he said, fondly gazing at the familiar spine. He had his personal copy at home, but whenever he felt like reading one of these poems at work, he would also seek out this copy. It had never been borrowed before._

_“Really? What a coincidence”, the other said. “Which one is your favourite poem?”_

_Gaku set the books he was holding aside and took the poems. Without having to search for it he opened the correct page, page ninety-eight. He handed the book back. _

『 _spotted_  
_out of the corner of your eye_  
_ poetry_  
_ in step and breath_  
_ hair curls like a smile_  
_ close to her chin_  
_ fallen for her_  
_ yet when you turn_  
_ try and look_  
_ greeted with void_  
_ beauty_  
_ a fragment of imagination _ 』

_Gaku swallowed. Read in the voice of this stranger the poem received a different meaning. It was as if the words were meant for this moment, to roll out of the other’s mouth like soft waves onto a beach. _

_As if Gaku was experiencing it right now. As if the other would disappear if Gaku turned away now._

_This was it, Gaku thought. He had found it._

_He had to swallow before he could articulate himself again. “You read it very nicely.”_

_“Thank you”, the other said. Gaku found himself wishing he knew a name to the face. “I, uh, really like the structure.”_

_It sounded like a question._

_“It’s formless poetry, pretty modern”, he answered. “Do you not read much poetry?”_

_“On occasion. Someone recommended this book to me”, he was a bit sheepish. Cute. “Maybe you could help me understand them better?”_

_Gaku had been gone then and there._

_The stranger’s name was Kujou Tenn. He was finishing high school and read to escape exam stress. He didn’t know what he wanted to do after school, but logistics seemed interesting to him, since he was good at science subjects and enjoyed them. He liked sweets and expensive, complicated coffee orders, but his favourite food was his mother’s omurice. They liked similar music, and after they finished their coffee, Gaku got out his copy of the poem collection and together they looked through it. _

_“See, the poet is a woman”, Gaku said. “So all poems are seen through the gaze of a woman.”_

_“So your favourite is about her hallucinating someone?”_

_He really didn’t read much poetry, did he? These weren’t even layered, they were just… easy, fun poems._

_Gaku shook his head. “She’s talking about spotting someone she finds interesting, or attractive, or who reminds her of someone she loves, but when she turns her head nobody was actually there.”_

_“So a hallucination.”_

_“It’s more like… a wish”, Gaku tried to explain, but Tenn groaned exasperatedly before he could continue. _

_“What does he like about this kind of poetry?”, he complained. “I don’t get it.”_

_At the mention of a ‘he’, Gaku felt his heart clench in jealousy. _

_“Are you trying to impress someone?”, he asked, hopefully inconspicuously enough to not let his jealousy show. _

_“More like I’m ‘keeping up’ with someone”, Tenn corrected him._

_“Keeping up?”_

_“Ever since my brother started dating that kid from the grade below, he’s been so… mushy”, Tenn sighed. “I can’t keep up with him.”_

_A brother. Not a lover or a crush. Gaku felt oddly relieved. _

_“Maybe you don’t need to keep up with him in that aspect. You still have other things to talk about with him, don’t you?”_

_Tenn sighed. “Yeah, but I miss when he would come to me first when he had something to talk about.”_

_Gaku smiled. The image was cute. _

_“Okay, if you want to talk to him about romance more, then maybe try romance novels instead of poetry. They might be easier to understand. I can text you a list of my personal favourites if you’d like.”_

_Tenn nodded, smiled. _

_Gaku felt his chest swell with pride, both as a librarian, and as someone who was slowly but surely falling for this Kujou Tenn, who had stumbled into him like the most wonderful coincidence that had ever happened to him. _

When Gaku awoke to the bland white ceiling of a hospital and the smell of antiseptics entered his nose, he felt something hard and heavy sitting on his chest, like a demon that was slowly poisoning his memories with Tenn with an ugly truth.

Had all that been a set-up as well? Bumping into each other? Talking about love poetry over a cup of coffee? It all sounded like a romance novel plot – it was ridiculous. How had he ever believed that something like it could happen in real life? In _his_ real life nonetheless…

Had his eight-year relationship been a lie? Had his five-year marriage really been a lie? Had his father’s and his boyfriend’s and then husband’s identity all been a lie?

Yaotome Gaku was a thirty-years old, married man, and he was entering his life’s worst crisis. It really was a crisis of different measurements than the average crisis someone his age would or _should_ have.

In the moment when Gaku was about to lose himself to despairing over his situation the door to his room opened and his father entered.

Yaotome Sousuke had aged well, maybe like fine wine, or cheese. He was still handsome, in a different way than Gaku’s own handsomeness, but despite being divorced for almost fifteen years now he had never found anyone else again.

“Hello Gaku”, he said. “How are you feeling?”

“How am I _feeling_?!” Gaku felt a wave of anger break at the cliffs of his mind. But as soon as it had come it was also gone again. He just felt… tired. Exhausted, drained in a way that was beyond physical.

“…did you really arrange me and Tenn?”, he asked instead of getting angry, screaming at something, or punching something. Maybe his father’s face. Not that he could reach it from his hospital bed, but he could try.

“Gaku”, Sousuke said. “I am aware of what this must feel like for you, but the only thing I can do is offer you my sincerest apologies. You were never meant –“

“I was never meant to find out”, Gaku ended his father’s sentence bitterly. “I get it. I was never meant to find out that my old man runs a secret agent company. And that my dad _used me_ as a cover-up for one of his agents. Am I a security breach? Am I now? Do you regret bringing me into this world yet? Does mom know? Was that the reason you divorced her too? Because she was a _risk_ to you?”

Ah, he had done it after all. He had gotten angry.

He felt angry tears prick at his eyes. He had never wanted to end like his parents, stuck in a loveless marriage that ended in shambles, just another vase thrown in an angry argument.

Luckily _his_ marriage wouldn’t end as painfully for both parties, because one had never felt love to begin with. There hadn’t been love between them, only lies.

He slumped back on the bed and turned his back to his father. A short, hot pain shot through his injured leg, but he tried to ignore it as best as he could. It wasn’t very good, but he did well enough to continue appearing unapproachable to his father.

“Leave me alone”, he said lowly. “Whatever you have to say, I don’t want to hear it.”

His father behind him sighed but didn’t move.

Finally he talked. Gaku had tried faking sleep, but both men knew that they were both aware that he wasn’t actually asleep.

“I’m sorry”, his father said. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

“The love of my life used me as a cover-up and married me to hide his identity as a secret agent because of you”, Gaku mumbled. “I don’t think there’s any way you could hurt me more. Maybe if you had killed him in front of my eyes before I knew about all this.”

“…Don’t say that”, Yaotome Sousuke said, but his son didn’t answer anymore. He was still tired, and his leg hurt like hell. His heart bled silently inside his chest.

Gaku fell into a restless slumber. 

_“Gaku”, Tenn said over the phone. “Gaku, I realised something, and I need to tell you.”_

_It was a month after their first outing for coffee. Tenn had finished high school and was going to start university soon. He used the break to read the books Gaku had recommended to him and they talked about it frequently. They had even met up a few times, and Gaku was seriously questioning if he had found his soulmate. _

_“Well, go on then”, he said. _

_“Not on the phone, dummy”, Tenn said. “Are you home?”_

_“Not yet”, he said. “I’m at the park close to home though. The bench I showed you, remember? I was reading and forgot the time. It’s almost dark now.”_

_“I’ll be there in a minute”, and with that Tenn ended the call, no goodbye. Tenn usually preferred texting, Gaku thought, why had he called now? To announce that he wanted to talk about something nonetheless._

_He came sprinting a minute later, punctual in a way that Gaku hadn’t expected him to. He ran across the grass without minding the paths. _

_Ah, Gaku really liked him._

_Tenn panted his name, and Gaku wanted to kiss him right in that moment. Instead he offered him a drink that Tenn took gratefully. He drank in big, greedy gulps, and emptied Gaku’s bottle in just a few seconds._

_“I think I love you”, he said then, in the same breath as he had let go of the bottle. Not a second wasted, straightforward and clear-cut. A confession that was so like Tenn, and so strangely endearing that Gaku was stunned for a second. _

_Actually he was almost embarrassed by his reaction. He had choked on air, like a fish out of the water. _

_“…it’s okay if you don’t feel the same way”, Tenn was quick to assure him as he sat down next to him on the bank. "I just thought I’d tell you.”_

_“Thanks”, Gaku said slowly. “Who wouldn’t fall in love with me?”_

_Tenn hit his arm playfully. “Stop it.”_

_“Go on a date with me”, Gaku said then. “Or a hundred.”_

_“Right now?”_

_“If you’re free.”_

_“I am!”_

_“Then what’s holding us back?”_

_They had dinner in a family restaurant and Gaku drove Tenn home. They shared a kiss under the flickering lightbulb in front of Tenn’s house, the one that automatically went on when someone moved in proximity to the entryway. _

_Gaku had never been happier in his life._

_Three years later Gaku proposed to Tenn at the same bench he had confessed to him, and he had never been happier in his life. _

_They laughed and the fought and they lived, and they loved, and it was perfect and everything Gaku had ever wanted._

_They weren’t like his parents – they did fight, but their fights didn’t end in broken vases, hearts and marriages, but in apologies and quiet evenings spent cuddling on the couch. _

_And Gaku was the happiest man in the world._

But none of that had been real, Gaku thought bitterly as he walked home from the hospital. He was using a crutch, but if he was lucky, he should be ready to start walking on his own again in a short time, at least the doctors had told him that. He had been lucky when he had been shot already, and he was well rested from his long stay at the hospital.

He didn’t know what he’d do at home.

Home meant the apartment that he and Tenn bought together with their savings, the small kitchen where he’d cook for them, the living room filled with books and movies and the occasional video game, and the music shelf with the speakers Tenn had gifted him for their sixth anniversary. The bedroom where everything had gone to bits.

Their ninth anniversary had been coming up. Gaku had made plans for it already.

Going home meant going home to the empty shell of the life that he had believed to be true, to be an honest bliss, for the last few years.

It was like stepping on a stage when the actors had gone home.

He felt empty, just a husk, nothing left but sadness and disappointment.

Gaku wondered who would move out first.

Would it have to be him or Tenn? If they both did, who would take the kitchen? The speakers? The books?

It had been ‘them’ for so long that Gaku didn’t know how to be by himself anymore.

Was this what his mother had felt like?

The apartment was empty. Well, it was in the exact state Gaku remembered it to be, before he had gone to the hospital. But it was still… vacant.

Nobody had lived here since he left.

His home had turned into a shadow of itself, a furnished ghost ship.

Tenn hadn’t been here – that was why it was unlived in.

The bedroom looked like nothing had happened. The window had been replaced, and there was no blood on the sheets. The picture frame that had fallen off the wall had been replaced as well. The colour was off, it was too new, not chipped in the place where Gaku had let it drop in the store, the only reason why they had to buy it. Inside was a photo from their last vacation.

Gaku turned the frame around so that the picture faced the wall. He couldn’t stand to see Tenn’s face right now, not when it was smiling so much, his cheeks slightly red from the exhaustion of reeling in a massive fish, while Gaku had only caught a small one. He didn’t remember who took the photo, but it had been one of his favourites of them together.  
Now he could barely look at it.

When Gaku sat down on the bed he noticed that one of the two mattresses wasn’t the one he knew. It was also new.

He hated it.

What was he supposed to do? Move out? To where? And what was he going to do with the apartment? It wasn’t like Tenn was going to return, by the looks of it.

Gaku curled up on the mattress that wasn’t brand new.  
Their double bed had been Tenn’s idea. He had wanted an own mattress, and for luxury’s sake Gaku indulged him.  
Laying in Tenn’s bed was weird now. It didn’t smell like him anymore, and Gaku hated that it was cold, so cold. He had never gotten to check if it had been cold in that night too, if Tenn had been close, or gone for long.

He had probably been away on some secret agent mission of his, Gaku thought grimly, and that’s why he didn’t arrive earlier. But the damage had already been done, and even Tenn arriving earlier wouldn’t change much about that.

It would have to be the other option, he decided. He wouldn’t move out – Tenn’s things had to go.

There was no way he was going to keep living in an apartment that was half-dead.

He got the reusable moving boxes they had used when they moved in all those years ago and began with Tenn’s clothes.

It was the easiest, since they were all already neatly folded, or hung up in his husband’s side of the closet.

The work had something refreshing, he noticed. Clearing out the closet of the person he didn’t want in his life anymore was good for him. If he kept Tenn’s clothes he’d just dwell on it and miss him more. Maybe he should donate these… at least if Tenn didn’t come to get them himself.

But who was he kidding? Tenn hadn’t come to get them yet, so why would he do it now that Gaku was back from the hospital?

His phone rang, and his father’s number appeared on the display. Gaku pressed ‘deny’ and sent him to voicemail. He should talk to the robot voice (Gaku had never set up a personalised one) and explain them whatever he wanted to say. Maybe he’d say that his weird secret agent company was going to do anything in their might to keep Gaku from danger from now on, or he would try and apologize again.

Gaku wondered why he hadn’t just talked to him about it from the beginning. He could’ve helped, worked for the company as well, if not as an agent in administration or something like it. Then they wouldn’t be here right now.

Gaku wondered why his father’s betrayal felt less significant, less heavy than Tenn’s. Maybe it was because he already saw him betray his mother once.

Fingers buried in Tenn’s favourite sweater, the one he had gotten him for Christmas three years ago, the fabric rough and well-worn, loved with usage and detergent, but still soft and nice to the touch, he felt bile built up in his throat.

Tenn had made him fall in love with a lie.

His heart was broken, even though the heart in question hadn’t gotten the memo yet, still desperately clinging to a hope without backing.

Hoping that it would all turn out to be a dream.

Hoping that Tenn would come back.

That maybe, Gaku didn’t have to give up on his romantic ideas and would get to continue that life he loved so much. Would be able to continue his relationship with the person he loved more than anything in the world.

A tear rolled down his cheek, fell, and sank into the fabric of Tenn’s sweater.

No, he couldn’t let this get to him now. He was cleaning out Tenn’s belongings, this was no time to cry.

The box of jewellery that Tenn had treasured and only worn on special occasions disappeared into the cardboard box.

Gaku knew what was inside, of course. It had a bracelet made by his brother, a necklace gifted to him by his mother on their wedding, countless little hairpins that they picked out together to stop Tenn’s hair from falling into his face when he had to dance. There was their engagement ring in there as well. It was a pair, twin flowers, gracefully growing around fingers, as if they were made for them. They had picked those out together as well.

The wedding ring wouldn’t be in there, Gaku assumed. Tenn took the simple band of white gold to work as well. It was never in that box, though Gaku wondered where it was now.

He found his own ring on the bedside drawer, where he had put it before going to sleep that night. He took it and turned it between his fingers.

It was plain on the outside, but they had engraved their heartbeats on the inside, Gaku’s on the smaller one, Tenn’s on the bigger one.

He had thought it nice at the time, like a lifeline between them, connecting them over any distance.

Now even the ring felt like a lie.

Gaku put it back on the drawer.

He had finished Tenn’s closet, so next would be the drawer.

That one was empty very quickly – it just had a few letters from Tenn’s family, mainly his brother, a book and a few loose pages from a calendar that Tenn had apparently wanted to keep. They were riddles Gaku had never heard before.

It felt like a punch to the gut. So this was where Tenn got his riddles from when Gaku texted him when he was feeling down.

A riddle from either side, thinking and analysing. So Tenn actually texted him himself and didn’t let other agents do it for him.

How nice, Gaku thought bitterly.

The bedside drawer was empty now, but it felt weirdly smaller than the one Gaku had, even though it was supposed to be the same model.

Pulling it away from the wall, he discovered that the backside was missing a few centimetres of space.

There was something still in there.

A little probing and testing let him find an opening, and with more force than necessary, Gaku managed to open a little door in the back of the drawer.

There was not much inside. A pair of headphones, an older model, but they had never been used, he could tell, as they were still wrapped in sealed plastic – and an also slightly outdated model of an MP3 player.

When he took it out, an old sticky note that had stopped being sticky and was only a note now fell from the MP3 player and slowly sauntered to the floor.

‘For Gaku’ it said in Tenn’s handwriting. Next to it was a date from five years ago. Their wedding.

Gaku swallowed. His throat had gone dry all of a sudden.

What was this? It clearly had his name on it, and it was from Tenn, that was his handwriting.

Should he listen to it?

Was this the straw that he had hoped for? A straw he could grasp and hold onto and never let go? The straw that he could believe in?

But was it really a good idea?  
No matter what he did, what Tenn did, it couldn’t go back to the way it was before.

No matter what Tenn had left him here, it wouldn’t change that their relationship had been a staged lie.

He stared at the MP3 Player.

With the press of a button it came to life.  
What an incredible battery, Gaku thought.

He unwrapped the headphones, put them on, and pressed play without selecting anything.

As it turned out there was only one file anyway.

Tenn’s voice filled his mind, velvety blossoms of apple trees, the scent of wildflower honey.

“_Hello Gaku_”, he said. Gaku almost choked on his breath. Tenn had really recorded this for him… five years ago?

“_It’s the night of our wedding_”, Tenn on the recording said without pause. “_We’re in our hotel room, and the moon is shining through the window. You’re asleep next to me right now, and you look absolutely perfect. The moonlight really suits you. It compliments your hair and face._”

He took a moment to continue. When he picked up again his voice sounded weaker, had less direction.

“_Maybe you missed your calling, huh? Should’ve become the moon and not a librarian._”

Another pause. Gaku’s heart was hammering in his chest.

“_The fact that you’re hearing this right now means that you found the hiding place where I hid this recording. That also means that you’re going through my things. That’s alright. I trust my own hiding skills enough that you won’t accidentally have stumbled across this. And I trust you, Gaku, to not snoop through my things just like that. It doesn’t befit you. I doubt you would ever do that without a sound reason.  
If however, that should be the case, please know that I love you and stop listening right now, if you enjoy being alive._”

Joke’s on Tenn, Gaku thought in Tenn’s break that was supposed to give him time to stop the recording. As if he’d ever stop listening to something like this at that point.

“_…If you’re still there that can only mean two things. Either I’m dead and you’re throwing my things out, or we argued and you’re throwing my things out. No matter which one it is, I guess that means that we’re splitting up. Until death or an argument do us part, huh?_”

He chuckled at his own joke. Haha, wedding. Funny.

“_I trust your judgement to decide whether or not you really want to listen to this recording to the end. If we argued about something that doesn’t have to do with my work, then you should stop listening right now, if you value your life._”

Gaku didn’t move a muscle. Now Tenn would finally talk about the issue.

“_Gaku, you look so peaceful, sleeping next to me right now. I wish we could stay in this hotel room forever, day and night, without ever worrying.  
One day I might not come home from a mission, and that thought pains me greatly. I’m good, but not even I am invincible. I doubt your father will tell you anything, even if I’m killed in action, even if I’m dead, but I believe that you deserve to know the truth. I’ve believed that for years now, but I also understand why you shouldn’t know._”

The voice in the recording had become choked up, half a sob, tearful words carving their way into Gaku’s heart slowly.

“_My name is Kujou Tenn. I’m a secret agent in service of your father’s business. He took it over from my adoptive father who was assassinated. Because of that incident he insisted all of his agents find a believable cover-up life, and cover-up people to fill their lives with. I had my brother, with whom I reunited, but it wasn’t enough. So he suggested you. _  
_It was perfect, he said back then. It would be two birds with one stone – I’d have a cover-up identity, and you would be protected._  
_ So I went back to high-school. I read at your workplace. I watched you, observed you. I found out what you liked, and how you acted. I treated you like a target, just that my plan wasn’t protecting you, or finding out your secrets, it was winning your heart_.”

Tenn laughed wetly. He really was crying, Gaku thought. Tenn had cried at his bedside on their wedding night. For this.

“_It worked quite well, I have to admit_”, he continued. There was a smile in his voice. “_After all, you’re my husband now_.”

The love in those words, the sheer fondness, made Gaku’s throat constrict. Tenn loved him – or was this also part of the whole act? A plot to win him back, even after he found out about all this.

“_I didn’t take into consideration how charming you were. Without ever meaning to you captured my heart_”, another shaky breath. “_Remember how I confessed my love to you, in that park, barely a month after we met for the first time? I had been watching you for a few months by then, even if you didn’t know. Finally speaking to you changed my whole perspective on the mission. Suddenly it wasn’t a mission anymore. It was something I wanted to do. I wanted to tell you that I like you. I needed you, the person I liked, to know how I felt about you. It was actually against the mission script. I wasn’t supposed to tell you before you told me, but I just couldn’t help myself. So I came to see you and told you._”

Gaku’s hands that were holding the MP3 Player shook with feeling. He didn’t know what to make of any of this.

“_So, Gaku, now that you know the truth, that I was tasked to use you as my cover, that I lied to you about my job, that I planned for all this to happen, and that I failed to stop myself from actually falling in love with you, what will you do?_”

Suddenly another voice came from the headphones. Gaku recognized his own.

“_…Tenn, who’re you talkin’ to?_”, he asked, voice hoarse from sleep and exhaustion at their wedding. “_C’mere._”

“_Just a second, dear_”, there was rustling, as Tenn got up and walked away from the bed. The sound of a balcony door being opened and closed sounded from the headphones.

Gaku remembered that in their wedding night Tenn had gotten a phone call. When he had woken up in the middle of the night, he had been talking to someone. He had finished the conversation on the balcony and come back shortly after.

So this was what he had been doing.

“_Listen Gaku, I’m going to tell you what _I_ think would be best for you: You take your stuff and run. Sell mine, sell the apartment and start over in another city or country. Change your name, your birthday and your hair colour. If you know of the company, your life is in danger. It was already in danger when we got together, and it was in danger before that, because of your father’s position, but the most valuable good in this industry is information. They’re going to want you, and if they notice that you can only tell them tales of which movies make me cry and how I drink my tea, they will _dispose_ of you. I don’t want that to happen. Whether I’m dead or alive, I want you to live, because I love you._”

Gaku felt his heartbeat slow down again. For some reason he was completely calm now.

“_If, however, I’m alive and you’re actually crazy enough to still want to be with me, then come to that place. I will be there, I promise._”

Tenn in the recording sighed softly, an exhale of fresh night air from outside that hotel room.

“_Ha… I really hope he will never have to hear this…_”

And Gaku almost wanted to click off already, when Tenn added something else.

“_The moon sure is beautiful tonight…_”

The balcony door opened and was closed again. The sheets rustled and Gaku could hear himself mumble something unintelligible.

_Click_. The Recording ended.

Gaku stared at the MP3 Player for a few very silent seconds. Then he took the headphones off.

What should he do now?

It was like Tenn said. It wasn’t sensible to chase after him, not after all that had happened.

But deep inside he already knew that his heart had convinced his mind more quickly than any sensible consideration.

He put on his shoes, the MP3 Player shoved into his back pocket.

There was no need to rush, but Gaku still found his feet picking up the pace, the familiar path leading to the place Tenn had asked him to come to disappearing under his feet as quickly as it was possible for him with his injury and the crutches.

On the bench where Tenn had confessed his love for him for the first time, and where Gaku had proposed to him, there sat a person.

Tenn was feeding the ducks in front of the bench seedless grapes from a reusable net from the local supermarket.

He didn’t look good, Gaku noticed.

There were dark circles under his eyes, as if he hadn’t slept well lately. Had he lost weight as well?  
It hadn’t even been a month yet, but Gaku still felt like he hadn’t seen Tenn in an eternity.

Part of him just wanted to stay still and savour the moment. It might be the last time he saw Tenn after all. And this Tenn, though worn out, was smiling as he fed the ducks. This was a better last image of Tenn than the one he had gotten to see that night, when all he had heard were condescending words, and all he had seen were cold eyes directed at him.

But his steps weren’t silent, and his breathing wasn’t either. He hadn’t quite gotten used to walking with the crutches yet, that was why he was so exhausted, but he also hadn’t wanted to make his injury worse again by leaving them behind. Tenn had _definitely_ heard him, yet he didn’t budge.

Only when Gaku sat down next to him he acknowledged him.

“So you came”, he said, still not looking at him.

Gaku nodded.

“I had hoped you wouldn’t”, Tenn sighed. “I had hoped… I had hoped you would stay away. But I also knew that… that this hope was foolish. Because I _know_ you.”

An arrow of ice pierced his heart as he heard these words.

“Tenn”, he said quietly. His husband’s side profile looked stiff and awkward. Gaku couldn’t take looking at him like this, so he directed his attention elsewhere. He caught Tenn fiddling with the ring of white gold he was still wearing on his finger. He swallowed. “Tenn, why did you hope I wouldn’t come?”

Finally he turned to look at him. His eyes were shining with unshed tears.

“Because if you hadn’t come, I’d at least know that you were safe. I removed everyone who knew about you. The only people who still know that you know about the company are your father and me. If you hadn’t come… I’d know that the one I love the most in this world isn’t going to die.”

And just from that Gaku knew that Tenn meant what he said in the recording. And he also knew what he’d have to do next.

He let his hand fall to his side, palm up. An offering.

“I believe you”, he said. “I believe you, and I love you, and I know you also love me. And I… I want you back. I _need_ you back.”

Tenn still didn’t move. His eyes were fixed on the hand Gaku was offering him, expression wide eyed, like a child. He didn’t seem to believe what was happening. As if he was stuck in a self-inflicted dream, a nightmare of a world where Gaku hated him, and second chances were unheard of.

“Please come back to me”, Gaku continued. “I trust you not to hurt me again, now that you don’t have to keep your work a secret anymore.”

“You… idiot”, Tenn said, and now he was actually crying, tears running over his face and falling from his chin into his lap. “Why are you saying this like you were the one who made a mistake? I should be the one on my knees, begging for you to take me back.”

“_I’m_ the idiot? Who hid a secret recorded message for five years, huh? What would you have done if the battery was dead, huh? Just let me ask you to come back already.”

“No!”, a sob. “It’s me who has to ask you to let me come back.”

He realised that he wouldn’t get anywhere, arguing like this, even though he couldn’t say that he didn’t enjoy it. They hadn’t talked like this in a while, and the bickering was familiar, safe, full of love, and it was as if nothing had ever changed.

“Alright”, he said then. “Ask me, Tenn.”

Tenn wiped his tears off with the sleeve of his jacket. They’d definitely have to wash that one later, but in this moment it was irrelevant.

“Gaku, will you let me come back to you?”

“Of course. Now come here already.”

And Tenn finally took his hand.

“Go on a date with me”, Gaku said then. “Or a hundred.”

“Right now?”

“If you’re free.”

“For you, always.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this fic as well. I don't think I'm going to write for another prompt, but who knows~
> 
> If you want to talk to me you can do so on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/eins_kai)~
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> -Kai


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